I’m experimenting with “top X lists” as a prelude/index to the stories I’d like to cover. With a massive list of interconnected topics I plan to write about, I’ve been working here and there on different stories, but extensive cross-referencing makes it hard deciding which piece to finish first because I feel they all have to be published at once for you, the reader to get the full picture. Let’s start with how my dad abused me as a kid well into my 20’s.
In somewhat chronological order, here’s a non-comprehensive list of how my father abused me from a 5-year-old kid well into my late 20’s:
- When I was 5 years old, my dad cheated on my mom and when she called him out for it, he physically beat her up and destroyed some furniture in the process, one of which – a fancy framed mirror – still remains as a reminder in the family home today (the cracked corner covered by a flower pot along with other junk). I remember EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL of what happened. I wanted to call the police but my sympathizer grandmother prevented me from doing so (also I was 5 years old, didn’t know any better).
- Throughout my entire life, my dad has been extremely controlling and gets extremely angry to the point of physical violence if his word is not followed. One particular thing I’ve hated is his insistence to accompany him to places during the weekend and school holidays – the hardware store, food court/hawker stores, visit his friends or his side of the family, to the golf course, even to his office (he would frequently work during weekends) – under the pretense that this was productive or we (referring to my siblings and I) would learn something. I have always hated this as I’ve found it to be a complete waste of my day off from school.
- As the “king of the house” (that’s what he’d call himself), my siblings and I were to follow every word and demand of his. Failure to follow his ‘commands’ that would result in physical violence and/or mental abuse (usually both) of threatening to kick us out of the house (as minors under 18), walk to school (it’s hot, humid and unsafe to walk in Malaysia, especially back then), make my homemaker mother with no consistent income pay the bills, not fund out future education, and lots more fun stuff.
- When I was 18, I moved out to attend university in the US, but this behavior persisted whenever I went back to Malaysia for holidays (particularly because he was paying for my education and he’ll constantly hang that over my head, threatening to stop funding for something petty like wanting to relax at home instead of following him to spend an entire day at the electronics store.
- Although this has persisted well into my 20’s, I’ll note that this dropped off after my mid 20’s when I had a stable job and was able to financially sustain myself since my dad no longer had anything to threaten me with aside from name-calling and berating my ‘laziness’.
- My dad has repeatedly put me down in person and shaming me to the public (including but not limited to family, neighbors, his friends, his colleagues) that I am “a hopeless case” who “does nothing but play video games at home” and “is an undisciplined and selfish monster” who will “never make it in life” “just like his useless mom”. All these are direct quotes of what he’s repeatedly said, word-for-word.
- Despite being very controlling (points 2 & 3), my dad been extremely lax and void of any opinion regarding my education path, career and relationships – which can be seen as a positive thing – except the times when he’s said “you can do whatever you want, it’s up to you how you want to screw up your life”. I think it has something to do with looking down and calling me a useless human being (point 4).
- To my dad, I am always in the wrong no matter what. I was bullied for most of my schooling life but my dad only heard the first year or two of it when I was really young because I quickly learned he would not do anything about it, with the possibility he’ll reverse it and put the blame on me, despite not being there or hearing my full story.
- This has continued all the way to the present. Several years ago, I was back on vacation and talking about a toxic boss at a family dinner. My dad was incredibly quick to jump to conclusions and flips it to “my attitude” being the problem and “even if you don’t say anything, your face itself shows your screwed-up attitude that makes people hate you”.
- Meanwhile, he constantly preaches that my mom, siblings and I are always cynical and quick to jump to conclusions with ill intentions. Nice projection there, asshole.
- Recently I reported my dad to the police (side note: I had never imagined such a smooth and positive experience with the Malaysian Police. Keep it up PDRM!) after he beat me up and attempted to strangle me because I scolded the neighbor’s guest for irresponsible parking in front of my family’s house and my neighbor told tales to him. Of course, in my dad’s eyes, I was automatically at fault for being unruly and rude to the neighbor. More on this next time in a dedicated post!
- Conversely, everyone outside my immediate family and mom’s side of the family are automatically always right to my dad. Any of their (his side of the family, his friends, his colleagues) children of similar age to my siblings and I are used as a point of comparison to berate us. This is also why my dad is a dipshit who is so easily scammed.
- In particular, one of his best friends – let’s call him Golfman – is a guy who constantly encourages him to make financially irresponsible decisions, knowing fully-well that my dad had young children who were years away from college (it’s customary for many Malaysian families in middle-class and above to pay for their children’s higher education, even if that’s international tuition fees abroad).
- In the year 2000, when my family was in the market to buy an MPV (mini-van), Golfman wanted to sell his 1-year-old Kia Carnival to my dad for the same price as when he bought it new (some RM140,000) and my dad almost went for it because FRIENDS ARE RIGHT!
- Golfman’s son (who is around my age) has been constantly brought up as a point of comparison to me. Him being an accomplished, shining beacon of success, and me being (see point 4 above).
- Not too long ago, Golfman, being full of shit, claimed his son was “making 100k in New York”. Of course, my dad immediately believed this and was proudly boasting about that guy’s kid, like it was his own child, to me.
- Since US H1B work visa petitions are public record, I’ve done some digging and have strong reason to believe that Golfman’s son was actually earning 80k in Washington DC (which is a lot less glamourous-sounding in Malaysia than “100k in New York”) and therefore, is full of shit.
- My dad ‘chain abuses’ everyone in the house whenever he gets triggered. Meaning that it doesn’t matter if only one person did something wrong in his eyes, he’ll start dragging in my mom and grandma (who weren’t involved at all) and blaming them. Plus abuse me and/or my siblings if we tell him to calm down.
- In the subpoint above, my sister also reported my dad to PDRM on the same day as he punched her when she tried to pull him back from beating and strangling me.
- Did I mention that my dad likes making death threats and wishes us all dead (me, my siblings, my mom and grandmother)? From a young age all the way to the present, my dad frequently hopes out loud that we were dead and/or would die soon whenever he gets mad.
- Fun fact: my grandmother has lived with my siblings and I since we were born and has basically been doing all the housework like she was the maid (and still does so today while being over age 80!). Our household never had a maid as a result (which I’d say is relatively odd for an upper-middle class Malaysian family of the time).
- Despite the above, my dad constantly wishes that my grandma will “die sooner” so that’s “one less useless person” in “his house”. Even up to recent times.
- My dad is a social butterfly, more than likely also a two-faced psychopath. He is the nicest man you’ll ever meet outside of the home I grew up in (see also point 7) and he treats every person who isn’t his own children or wife with utmost respect in the most well-mannered way possible.
- So much that both relatives and friends (who have met my dad) are shocked and in disbelief “but he seems like such a quiet but nice man!” when my siblings and I recently stopped holding this back and outed our stories of abuse to.
By now, you might be wondering if my dad is some kind of alcoholic, drug-abuser or both. At least that’s the first question I’ve gotten from the Malaysian Police and also friends after describing some of the abuse I’ve been through. I can very confidently say all of the above has happened for decades when my dad is perfectly sober. In fact, he doesn’t normally drink a lot and rarely ever drinks at home.
So that’s a summary of the abuse I went through over the years from my dad. A little long for a summary, but we haven’t even gone into detail! Hopefully this gives a good baseline for the information to come.